Dear Devotees,
Am I going in the right direction? Am I doing what is right?
What have I done to receive love? All the benefits I have gained in my life
have been delivered by a hand that has guided me and that I had ignored until
now. (This conference has excerpts from the book called Confessions on the road).
And I ignored all the things that are beyond my power of understanding and
action, is very well organized, and deeply coordinated. I have lived my life as
a slave to sensual temptations. I should be ashamed because I am the embodiment
of ingratitude. In actuality I know nothing about compassion. I've always
avoided caring for others in need. I just wasted many hours of my precious life
in shameful and imaginable foolish ways. I've never asked what should I do to
make my life worth living.
I never asked if the world gave me something-something that
provides the power to achieve positive procession for my eternal soul. Captured
by the bright bottles of ads, I abused my health and I have wasted my money.
Now, at the end of my life I try to reflect. Is there anything I can do for my
appeal? Is there something that can be done to redeem myself from my own
ignorance? Is there someone who can forgive my countless negligent acts and
offenses? Will I have the opportunity for the people and animals which I've
hurt my whole life, give me their forgiveness?
Will there be a big source powerful enough to straighten my
crooked existence? Weeping and lamenting without hope for all the wrong I've
done, I come to the universal source of love crying from the deepest corner of
my heart for mercy. Be merciful to me. Lift me from the dark region of messy
tangles of my mind. I am a prisoner of my own cultivation of lust, anger and
greed. Now I’m asking for what I’m not worthy of, to be given to me. I pray for
this grace without cause, for there is no cause in my life to receive any
grace.
I want to do what is right now, Lord of my love, I pray that
you pave the way for me. Lead me so that I do not return to the place where one
is prone to mistakes. Is there anything I can say in my own defense to plead
for another chance? I can blame the dark times and say that I was a mere puppet
of my lust but that would not be enough. Only grace can be obtained surrender.
Total surrender with a white flag, with complete repentance, and zero
conditions, with a willingness to give submissive cooperation. Surrender in
love in gratitude, and hope.
Recognizing my desperate condition and accepting my embarrassing
situation I offer my act of surrender as my only promise. I'm not a wise soul
who has come to surrender. I'm just a selfish defeated and frustrated egoist, smashed
by the accumulation of my sinful attitudes. I would like to invoke the beautiful
vocabulary of the devotees of God. They talk about surrender to God as the
culmination of their devotional efforts, but in my case it is in not having any
other alternative. It is the final and only option unless you want to forget
all about it and I go to pay for all my mistakes. Are you capable of forgiving
me, my Lord? I have heard that you are the most powerful of all. People
describe you as the unlimited, omnipotent and omniscient God. Will you be
capable of giving me a special exception? Can you give me your grace, or is my
plea totally out of place? Do I first have to go and pay for all the wrong I
have done? You have every right to break my heart and crush it repeatedly. I ask
that you for a short ordeal though I have no right to demand it.
Thank you very much for being here. Srila Prabhupada Ki Jay.
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