Confessions on the Road (excerpt) from Peru 10/7/12

Dear Devotees, 
Am I going in the right direction? Am I doing what is right? What have I done to receive love? All the benefits I have gained in my life have been delivered by a hand that has guided me and that I had ignored until now. (This conference has excerpts from the book called Confessions on the road). And I ignored all the things that are beyond my power of understanding and action, is very well organized, and deeply coordinated. I have lived my life as a slave to sensual temptations. I should be ashamed because I am the embodiment of ingratitude. In actuality I know nothing about compassion. I've always avoided caring for others in need. I just wasted many hours of my precious life in shameful and imaginable foolish ways. I've never asked what should I do to make my life worth living.
I never asked if the world gave me something-something that provides the power to achieve positive procession for my eternal soul. Captured by the bright bottles of ads, I abused my health and I have wasted my money. Now, at the end of my life I try to reflect. Is there anything I can do for my appeal? Is there something that can be done to redeem myself from my own ignorance? Is there someone who can forgive my countless negligent acts and offenses? Will I have the opportunity for the people and animals which I've hurt my whole life, give me their forgiveness?
Will there be a big source powerful enough to straighten my crooked existence? Weeping and lamenting without hope for all the wrong I've done, I come to the universal source of love crying from the deepest corner of my heart for mercy. Be merciful to me. Lift me from the dark region of messy tangles of my mind. I am a prisoner of my own cultivation of lust, anger and greed. Now I’m asking for what I’m not worthy of, to be given to me. I pray for this grace without cause, for there is no cause in my life to receive any grace.
I want to do what is right now, Lord of my love, I pray that you pave the way for me. Lead me so that I do not return to the place where one is prone to mistakes. Is there anything I can say in my own defense to plead for another chance? I can blame the dark times and say that I was a mere puppet of my lust but that would not be enough. Only grace can be obtained surrender. Total surrender with a white flag, with complete repentance, and zero conditions, with a willingness to give submissive cooperation. Surrender in love in gratitude, and hope.
Recognizing my desperate condition and accepting my embarrassing situation I offer my act of surrender as my only promise. I'm not a wise soul who has come to surrender. I'm just a selfish defeated and frustrated egoist, smashed by the accumulation of my sinful attitudes. I would like to invoke the beautiful vocabulary of the devotees of God. They talk about surrender to God as the culmination of their devotional efforts, but in my case it is in not having any other alternative. It is the final and only option unless you want to forget all about it and I go to pay for all my mistakes. Are you capable of forgiving me, my Lord? I have heard that you are the most powerful of all. People describe you as the unlimited, omnipotent and omniscient God. Will you be capable of giving me a special exception? Can you give me your grace, or is my plea totally out of place? Do I first have to go and pay for all the wrong I have done? You have every right to break my heart and crush it repeatedly. I ask that you for a short ordeal though I have no right to demand it.
Thank you very much for being here. Srila Prabhupada Ki Jay.

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